Leah Reich was one of the first internet advice columnists. Her column “Ask Leah” ran on IGN, where she gave advice to gamers for two and a half years. During the day, Leah is Slack’s user researcher, but her views here do not represent her employer. How to be Human runs every other Sunday. You can write to her at askleah@theverge.com and read more How to be Human here.
Hi Leah,
I’m a 17-year-old boy who hasn’t finished school yet. How can I stop criticizing and comparing myself to others? When I accomplish something I mostly end up thinking, “It’s ok, but the majority of people could have done it better. I have to improve that.” Or when I fell in love, I believed the girl wouldn’t choose me, because there are countless other human beings who would suit her better.
I often just see the difference between myself and others. Maybe that’s like that because I see only the strengths of my friends and not their faults. Maybe I don’t accept my faults and flaws or see my strengths. But then, aren’t there always gaps, differences and problems that ensure that people are going on with their lives, making progress, trying new things?
Maybe I’m writing this so I can be sure that insecurity is something everyone has and the only difference is how a person deals with it. I believe getting to know other people’s approaches can be very helpful.
Regards,
a Critic
PS: Do you think that everyone has a free choice? (Just if you’re interested, I’m quite philosophic sometimes.)
Hey Critic,
You sent me this letter a few months ago. I read it and wanted to respond to it, but there were other letters in my inbox that felt more urgent, so I set it aside for the time being. Lately, what feels urgent has changed pretty significantly. It’s time to talk about the questions you asked me.
Many of the columns I’ve written over the past year or so have addressed the questions in your letter in one way or another. Nearly every person who’s written me has expressed some kind of insecurity. Because yes, insecurity is something most of us deal with. Maybe not everyone! But we can assume that most people you know and most people reading this column have experienced at least a little bit of insecurity.
Sometimes insecurity is a matter of perception. It might affect you more intensely than someone else. Plenty of people struggle with feeling good about themselves or just feeling good, period. Others are barely bothered by even big things and take most everything in stride. It’s a mix of brain chemistry and learned behavior. Maybe you grew up in a supportive family but you still feel crippled by insecurity. Maybe you grew up in a terrible environment but are deeply resilient. Maybe it’s a combination. But your assumption is right: Insecurity depends a lot on how a person deals with it, both in terms of emotions and actions.