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David’s guide to surviving Thanksgiving (2019 edition)

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By David Gewirtz

for DIY-IT

| November 27, 2019 — 02:35 GMT (02:35 GMT)

| Topic: 2010s: The Decade in Review

It’s been more than a decade now since I wrote the first edition of “David’s guide to surviving Thanksgiving” as an article for my website. It deals with the mix of dark meat turkey, Jedi family management skills, and a little tech. It was one of my most popular articles ever. A few years later, I updated it and ran a version of it on CNN.com, and it was again quite popular.

Since then, I’ve evolved and refined the techniques each year and published it here on ZDNet. We normally don’t run previously-published content (even in earlier, beta form), but this is an evolving work of such societal importance that it can transform lives and transcend barriers amongst eaters and cooks, mothers and sons, and those who love dark meat and those other people.

This year, I talk about some technology that you may want to talk over with older family members that may help keep them safe when you’re not around.

Bits of tradition. Words of advice.

Those of you outside the US might not be aware of a little tradition we have here: Thanksgiving. According to our grade school classes, Thanksgiving is a holiday that came about when those wacky Pilgrims finally had a bountiful harvest, held a celebration, and gave thanks.

The historical reality is far more unclear, and very definitely subject to interpretation. A quick Google search of “thanksgiving” and “meaning” turns up more stuff than you’d believe.

Besides, nobody cares. Thanksgiving isn’t about Pilgrims. The whole Pilgrim/Mayflower/Indian story serves merely as the MacGuffin that gives us our day of glorious gluttony.

In America, Thanksgiving means parades, football, families, and food. The last two, of course, are the challenge, and here’s where my life-changing survival guide comes in.

I, like most folks, have fond memories of family Thanksgiving celebrations. But for years, they somewhat overwhelmed me. Often, we’d be joined by far-flung relatives whose names I couldn’t remember. There’d be hugs from old people who shouldn’t be allowed to hug without first getting a safety certification. And while there was plenty of food, there was never pizza.

It took me well into my 30s to develop techniques that, when used together, never fail to make Thanksgiving enjoyable to me and those around me. The key, however, is to use these techniques together. Either, used alone, will often result in disappointment, or — worse — more chicken soup than your freezer can possibly hold.

Technique #1: Really giving thanks

I’m breaking from tradition and moving my dark meat prioritization rule down to #3 on the list. This year, I want to point out the real importance and power of giving thanks.

It’s been a few years since my parents passed away. It’s easy to go down a dark road with that, but instead, I’ve chosen to be thankful for all the years I had with them, all they taught me, and all they provided me. I’m thankful for their wisdom and guidance in becoming the man I’ve become.

I’m also thankful for my wonderful wife, my adorable pup, our editors here at ZDNet, and all of you. It’s important for us here at ZDNet to remember that this is a two-way conversation and that we get to do this great gig because of all of you. Thank you.

Thankfulness is sometimes hard, but there’s a reason this holiday is officially called Thanksgiving. Whether or not you thank your deity, the Force, or just nothing at all, the act of feeling grateful, of truly acknowledging what good is in your life, can be deeply affirming and powerful.

Think about all the aspects of your life that make life worth living, and give yourself a minute of gratitude.

Technique #2: Leave politics at the door

Wow! 2019 has been a heck of a year, hasn’t it? I can’t talk to anyone, anywhere without politics jumping into the discussion. Folks are upset, angry, happy, proud, pissed, cranky, furious, elated, and worried. No matter where you fall on the political spectrum, one thing you’re sure to agree with is that the emotional content is charged.

The other problem is that almost no group of people will agree on anything. Putting Uncle George in the same room with Aunt Sally is bound to result in snarling and spitting. You know it. The names may be different in your family, but you know exactly of what I speak.

This year, if you allow politics to be discussed, some folks will be liberals, some will be conservatives, some will be Dems, some will be gloating Republicans, some will be libertarians, and all will disagree with everyone else.

Save yourself pain, not to mention flying mashed potatoes, and agree that everyone, everyone (that means you, Cousin Frank) will leave politics at the door.

Technique #3: It’s all about the dark meat

You may or may not like turkey, and you may or may not like dark meat. I love dark meat turkey, and I’m not really a fan of white meat. A key element of David’s Patent-Pending Thanksgiving Survival Program is to make the day all about dark meat turkey.

Nothing else and no one else matters.

Your mission, above all, is to get to the celebration and to get the dark meat before anyone else can. If you have to hockey check your great aunt to get that haunch, do it. If you have to blockade the kitchen door, do it. Whatever it takes, get yourself that plate full of dark meat (and maybe some gravy).

Here’s how this part works: First, getting the dark meat means you’ll enjoy your meal. But having that as your mission means you’ll know what to do and what to say to every family member in attendance. Every action on your part is measured by whether it gets you closer to acquiring or consuming the dark meat.

Once you’ve finished the meal, of course, it’s perfectly reasonable (and even accepted) to take a nap, watch a game, or fire up that Xbox you’ve been praying your cousin still has. But stay away from the Wii. Trust me on this. Safety tip.

The dark meat quest is extremely satisfying, but it’ll backfire without the second technique.

Technique #4: Effusively complimenting the cook

Nothing reclassifies you from “rude, gluttonous pig” to “extremely polite, nice person” than complimenting the cook. A lot. In every way you can think of. You may have just practiced your body block technique on Uncle Bob, but if you turn to Aunt Alice and tell her how much you love her turkey, you’ll get that welcome smile.

I’m serious about this. You can get away with nearly any marginally reprehensible behavior at a family gathering if you make sure to effusively say nice things to the cook.

Editor’s note: Even better, help clean up while you compliment the cook.

Bits of tradition. Words of advice.

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